Every time I’ve fallen in love, it’s been an accident. I mean, no one really falls on purpose right.. but my loves have always been super unexpected, super fast, and super intense. I’m an Aries, what can I say? Plus.. I’m only 21.. I’m still learning.
This love I knew from the very second it began to show, had something dark about it. But it was dark, mysterious – an instant undeniable and irresistible connection. Like a forbidden fruit type of situation.
I wish I could write everything, but it’s so much, and honestly I don’t even know if I’m ready to shout it all to the world – maybe one day, if I write a book or something. 😉
But let’s make it short and simple – I fell in love with my boss. I didn’t act on my feelings, but he acted on his and I didn’t resist. I left the farm for a few weeks, and returned to a very different dynamic. I was still a worker, but it was a little different now. Look, I know there’s unspoken rules about getting involved in your workplace, but for some reason I always believe I’m the exception to the rule. While before I simply was the favorite, now, I basically became his right hand man. I drove his big truck that no one else was allowed to, I handled huge amounts of money, I accompanied him on trips to San Francisco, Redding, Reno…he trusted me.
Over time, it grew and he told me he wanted the farm to feel like my home – the little cabin was ours now. We were happy, I was happy.
I’ll admit I wasn’t too eager to tell my parents about my new love interest. I was scared – he’s 30, he’s moderately wealthy, his occupation isn’t necessarily what my parents would be proud of.. let’s just say it, it looked bad. I didn’t know if he really cared to invest in my life this soon either. But after telling him that my dad couldn’t afford to smoke anymore, he said that he wanted to gift him a pound. And not only that, we were headed to Reno for business, and he wanted to meet him. So, my dad and my drug dealer boyfriend met. The most surprising part? They hit it off and my dad actually LIKED him. This was huge for me. It reassured me that he did actually care. He started taking care of me even more, telling me all of the things I was waiting to hear, and it just gave me reason to believe this was real, it was going to last. It felt more right with him than anyone I’ve been with before. Once we started saying the ‘I love you’s’ things obviously got more serious and invested. He insisted on taking me shopping, we went to fancy restaurants, stayed in nice hotels in the city and ordered tons of room service. I was out of my element (the most I’ve ever had a boy buy me is dinner), but I was enjoying this honey moon like phase. We planned on going on a weekend trip to Oregon after Christmas, but while I was searching for a lodge, he started sending me screenshots of resorts in Mexico. He said, “lets go on a trip and escape the cold! Pick – Jamaica, Mexico, or the Dominican Republic.”
Every step of the way I was hesitant to accept gifts, trips, etc – I didn’t want him or anyone to think that I was with him for his money. But my guard came down, and I let myself be spoiled by him. The worst part is that in the end – I still get played out as the young gold digger.
Come to find out – my new love is married. And has been. In fact, his family is pretty damn established. What a soap opera right?
When I found out I believed him when he told me that they were in the process of divorce, they fought all the time for years, he was very unhappy and told me he regretted getting involved with someone so young because he never got to explore and experience different things. And that played on my heart strings really – poor guy, stuck in a loveless marriage with a crazy wife. He said that he had plans for he & I. But then, in the Dominican, I realized, everything he said, every. little. thing. was complete bullshit. And I was an idiot.
How did I find this out? Well, I posted a picture of the Dominican republic on my Instagram story – and all hell broke loose.
Apparently, this was a secret trip. And his wife, was watching my every move like a hawk. He had told her he was in the Dominican alone – my post exposed him to her, and in turn exposed him to me.
So what was supposed to be the trip to the trip of a lifetime ended up being a week long sentence in hell.
Things that help you get through being in paradise with a sociopath narcissistic asshole? Unlimited alcohol & a personal jacuzzi on your balcony. 🙂
Gotta say, it was certainly nice to be bombarded with endless mojitos on a tropical island while going through a nasty breakup.
It’s weird, you never think you’re going to hate being in a tropical destination with your lover, all expenses paid, after being taken shopping for outfits & swimsuits.. I mean I think we’ve all fantasized about that before.
All things aside, the dominican was still beautiful the couple of days that we enjoyed it.
One of the funniest parts of the trip though was we were fighting almost the entire time, and our resort manager kept leaving us romantic things in our room 😂 How awkward but I feel like it’s a hilarious detail
I don’t know if it makes me a spoiled brat or a woman who now understands her worth, but I’ve realized it truly doesn’t matter what someone buys for you or the material things they offer you; as much as they think they can buy you off – when they’re lacking in respect and love, all the rest means nothing.
I learned so much about relationships.. love.. marriage, men, mistakes, respect, myself, what I can handle & overcome, what I’m willing to settle for and what I’m not ready for, everything– from this one relationship. So even though it sucked and I cried my eyes out, and felt so guilty for inadvertently interfering in a marriage, it’s just another thing I’m grateful that my compass led me to. The worst part about this very sticky situation was the fact that I knew better from almost the very start.. but my bleeding heart was on my sleeve as always, and I thought that was the important thing. Now I know, seeing red flags and looking out for yourself is not just an option, but the ultimate form of self defense and self love.
I’ve made a lot of mistakes that I’m not exactly proud of. I realize that I’m naive in a lot of ways but it’s also what keeps me unafraid to be going after things in life. Learn too many lessons & let them jade you, and you’ll scare yourself out of so many things.
This past year I crossed some things off my bucket list that I never thought I would
- Fall in love with a drug dealer
- Be the ‘other woman’
- Have a sugar daddy
So yeah, I’m probably going to hell.
In the end, some situations can only be survived through with humor. I am my own greatest punchline. Forge meaning from your faults and alchemize your wounds into wisdom. It’s the greatest superpower in the world. ❤
Probably my favorite lesson I’ve learned in life?
If nothing, at least it made a good story. 🙂
Love, Little Bird